Leslie Black

Who Wants to be A Glaswegian is a fun quiz book for every Glaswegian whether they live in Maryhill or Manhattan. What you don't know you soon find out...sport, theatre, history, tv, famous buildings...facts galore about everything from cluthas to coffee houses. Who used the catchphrase "sausages is the boys"? Who wrote "Dancing in the Streets"? Which Lord Provost made the city Smiles Better? When did the Burrell Collection open? Which Celtic player is the club's highest scorer? Who was Rangers first Scandinavian import? What was the original name of the Gorbals? A Glaswegian is, almost by definition, cocky, street sharp, the possessor of an admirable sense of humour and ready to sing the praises of the city about which he or she insists they know so much. But how much do you really know? And if you know all the anwers you are a Glaswegian in a million.

On the 18th September 2014, a mere 700-and-a-bit years after the Battle of Bannockburn, the struggle for power between Scotland and England will reach another milestone - this time probably without the swords, horses and armour. It is, without question, the most serious subject of the year, but there is a funny side too. Now Ian Black, master of the witty remark, king of the one-liner and enthusiastic unfurler of the Saltire sets his mind to the lighter side of Independence. With more pro-Independence and anti-No-voter jokes and tales than you can shake a stick at, Scotland vs England is the antidote to a very serious year. This book explains that the new Scots currency will be the Dreichma, perfect if our usual weather combines with Greek-style financial meltdown anytime in the future, or possibly the Punt, though apparently all of the punts are in the south-east of England. Mr Black also explains that occasional mutterings of "durty English bastards" north of the border refer not to the great majority of English folk but to the filthy goings-on in Westminster. And there are answers to some of the great questions, like: "What goes 'putt' and what goes 'putt, putt, putt, putt'", to which the answer is: a Scottish golfer and an English golfer on the Old Course at St Andrews. Scotland vs England may not help you make up your mind about which way to vote, but in the serious months ahead when all will seem lost and there will be no escape from politicians, it will be very welcome.

When someone describes a bitter woman as having: "A mouth like a kirby grip", or a depressed man as having: "A face like a horse in the huff", you can be fairly sure that you have strayed into Weegie Wan-Liners territory. This is the latest collection of Glaswegiana, the straightforward insults, the sly digs and the outright threats, culled from pubs and howffs citywide, by Ian Black, master of the quick sidestep, learned as he practised these gems, especially from the ex-friends to whom he said: "Listen, bampot features, when you were born they slung the wean and kept the afterbirth".

This book presents more friendly city rivalry anecdotes from Ian Black. How much do Mancs hate Scousers? Well, there's not a lot you can compare it to, except of course how much Scousers hate Mancs. Which is rather a lot, as you might gather from this charming little ditty from the Anfield terraces: 'There's only one Dr. Shipman, there's only one Harold Shipman, we owe him our thanks, cos he killed lots of Mancs, we're walking in a Shipman wonderland.' There are diatribes and angry jibes, but, according to Ian Black, the bestselling author of "Weegies vs Edinbuggers", it's just a friendly rivalry, really. Right?

The traditional rivalries run deep between Glasgow's industry-blighted East End and the leafy suburban academia of the West End. The typical West Ender viewpoint is that the East End is full of workshy junkies and your average East Enders knows fine that the West End is populated by jumped-up snobs, but a shared sense of humour means that everything is just hunky-dory. 'Aye right', as we say in Glasgow when we mean: 'No way'. These rivalries are ancient, sometimes vicious, and run as deep at the Styx, but nowadays the main weapon is humour. People in the West are reacting to the suggestion that the Commonwealth Games is being shared by the city: 'Shared is it? Aye, the East End is getting it and we're paying for it'. These are the tall tales, the tantrums and the taradiddles told by both sides. Laugh? You'll probably flit to Edinburgh.

The rivalry between the cities of Newcastle and Sunderland is one of the fiercest and longest standing in Britain. Now "Mackems vs Tackems & Tackems vs Mackems" takes a look at the funny side of this enduring rivalry. Just to give you a flavour of how much Mackems and Tackems mutually detest each other, try this little jibe from the Newcastle terraces: Thieves broke into the trophy room of the Stadium of Shite, as the Tackems have lovingly christened Sunderland's Stadium of Light, and stole the entire contents. Police are looking for a 50-foot red and white stripy carpet. Or how about: A Takkem fan is leaving the ground after yet another Keegan tactical disaster. A lady of the night comes up to him and says: 'Do you fancy a blow job, pet?' He stares at her in a dim, Takkem-like way, and asks: 'Will it affect me Giro?'Within this volume you will find the reasons why a Geordie would rather take Osama Bin Laden home for tea that a Mackem. Of course all Tackems know that Mackems have all the qualities of a poker, except for its occasional warmth, and that the worst two things about any given Mackem is his (or her) face. The people of these two great cities have traditionally regarded each other with the greatest possible loathing, mistrust and contempt. They are both absolutely right. And this book is the proof.

If there's one thing that sets Weegies apart, it's our sense of humour. Come crisis time, we not only laugh in the face of danger, but we spit on its shadow, follow it around, and occasionally set about it. Take John Smeaton, the baggage handler who clobbered the Glasgow Airport terrorists. He showed the kind of heroism, down-to-earth decency and self-deprecating humour that we all aspire to, and it turned him into an instant worldwide icon. Mere houses after he'd banjoed the terrorists the jokes started. Some of them are in here. "This is Glasgow. We'll set about ye." Got the t-shirt yet? Bin Laden's got one. And he's not coming back, at least not on John's shift. As well as paying homage to El Smeato, The Almost Completely Ultimate Weegie Jokebook is a collection of stories, jokes and anecdotes about the things that make us laugh - ourselves mostly. You are either on the Glesca bus or you're not. Welcome aboard.

Urban myths. They could have happened anywhere, but you know they could all have happened in Glasgow. In this new collection of the best Glasgow urban myths, truth is often stranger than fiction, but can you work out which stories really did happen to a friend of a friend of an enemy of a friend of a friend? Glasgow urban myths, like the one about some Edinbuggers being occasionally pleasant, are as many and varied as Glaswegians themselves. And all the best are gathered in this collection of mirth and myth, like the one about the wasted willie and the pylon, or the one about the car thief and the opera tickets. Glasgow Urban Myths is full of all the hilarious stories that ever happened to a friend of a friend of an enemy of a friend of a friend in Glasgow - hard truths and blatant lies, albeit in a sort of hit and myth style, but you will laugh, and you will repeat them.

Mair/Merr hilarious jokes and anecdotes on the eternal struggle that is WEEGIES v EDINBUGGERS Ian Black has been called 'a best selling author' so many times that he is thinking of patenting the phrase and making his fortune that way, but he still wishes that he was Alexander McCall Smith or that nice blonde woman who writes about the wee laddie with the scar and the glasses, as that would mean to hell with poverty and let's throw another pea in the soup. But he still has to work and has now produced MAIR Edinbuggers Vs Weegies/MERR Weegies Vs Edinbuggers. This latest effusion is a completely new collection of anti-Weegie and anti-Edinbugger swedging, hard hits and sneaky bits from the West and East sides, sharp jibes and bludgeoning diatribes, including the slogan from a graffitti-covered wall in Glasgow's West End which avers that 'James Kelman likes fucking Edinburgh' and the one, possibly from Pilton, which claims 'Hugh MacDiarmid took sugar in his porridge'. You may find some reference to Shir Sean and the reason that he chose to support Celtic rather than Hearts or Hibs*, and you will find a list of things that you will never see in Edinburgh, but which have been personally observed by the author in the streets of Glasgow, starting with a Muslim woman in the full chador, Iranian Abaya-style, eyeslit only, pulling said eyeslit down so that she could blow a big bubble with her gum to amuse her toddler. But it is just friendly rivalry really, isn't it? To use the double positive negative, a figure of speech unique to Scotland: Aye, right. * It's because, as the Weegies so artlessly say: "He's a Fenian b******".