Edmund Wells

Have you ever wanted to know how to retarded? Well now you can Just use some of these quotes to people and they'll unfriend you in no time

At long last you can now get your daily dose of retardedness. Retrieved from the sacred texts of the Artitonky tribe of western Indonesia, you can now unlock the mysterious secrets that kept them in such pretty clothes. Best of all, this book has a monkey-back guarantee so there's practically no risk of you losing any primates whatsoever. Lastly, you will learn the retardisoty of SCIENCE, RELIGION, POLITCIS, LANGUAGE and even yourself

Malone was a lone hero. He only ever spoke in one-liners and bad puns with a manly, raspy voice and had a mustache that would even make Tom Selleck bow with respect. Malone has gone AWOL from the CIA in search of his destiny, and attempting to fill out his resume with awesome should a lone hero position open up. Unfortunately, Malone soon learns that he has bitten off more than he can chew when he attempts to free the town of Hope Falls from a self-proclaimed tyrant; a ruthless German bastard called Roberto. Complicating matters is the fact that Malone has also antagonized the CIA and the Hope Falls police department. On his journey, Malone finds himself stumbling into one adventure after another, unwittingly mocking the very genre he wants to live. With the help of allies and sexy native women he assembles the resources he needs to mount the ludicrous climax his story deserves.