Jessica Fern

Trauma, attachment wounds and external criticism can leave us battling a sense of shame and inadequacy that can keep us from thriving personally and in relationships. In Transforming the Shame Triangle, psychotherapist Jessica Fern and restorative justice facilitator David Cooley use a synthesis of Internal Family Systems and Narrative Process to identify the three parts that they identify as the greatest barriers to achieving the life we want. The Inner Critic, Shame, and the Escaper are players in an internalized drama triangle, acting as perpetrator, victim and rescuer. Together, they create the Shame Triangle, which can trap us in ineffective survival strategies that prevent us from embracing and expressing our true selves. Through practical exercises and accessible explanations, readers are guided to shift from a state of self-critique to one of self-support-transforming the Shame Triangle to a love triangle. Using parts work, Fern and Cooley open a path to healing and transformation, building a foundation of authenticity and integrity in self and connections, and ultimately creating a more fulfilling life.

Got jealousy? Get joy! – through empathic compersion! What is compersion? What contexts promote or hinder its occurrence? Can we “learn” compersion, or at least invite more of it into our lives? Is compersion the “opposite” of jealousy as it is usually believed? Can learning about compersion have a wide social impact and play a role in dismantling mononormativity? This book addresses these questions and many more. The empirical data upon which this book is based draws from the author’s original qualitative study (see published dissertation here) with 17 consensually nonmonogamous (CNM) individuals who have experienced compersion, along with other relevant published literature. This book is the first to present a comprehensive theoretical model of compersion, first identifying its core components (empathic joy; gratitude for benefits derived from a partner’s other relationship(s); and compersion as dynamic, fluid, and on a spectrum), and then combining them with the six main factors that promote or hinder compersion at individual, relational, and social levels. The individual level includes two factors: ideological commitment to CNM values and self-security; the relational level includes three factors: relational security, connectedness, and trust; integration of partner’s other relationship(s); and positive perception of partner’s other relationship(s); and the social level includes one factor: community belonging. Each one of the aforementioned themes are thoroughly explained and illustrated by original stories and quotes from the author’s research participants, giving the book a personal tone. Another novel contribution of this book is its proposal that compersion needs to be redefined for uses in both CNM relationships and other relational contexts. To this end, two novel definitions for future use or inclusion in main English dictionaries are provided. Thus, while the content of this book is mostly targeted toward readers interested in CNM, this book will also be relevant to, and inclusive of, monogamous people interested in learning more about how compersion may apply to them. Lastly, the book argues that understanding compersion is an important step toward dismantling mononormativity by challenging the assumption that jealousy is the only valid response to extradyadic intimacy. This point has important social justice ramifications, since research shows that CNM individuals tend to be victims of stigmatization and discrimination in social settings based on the widespread cultural belief that CNM is somehow “inferior” (socially, morally, spiritually, etc.) to monogamy. Those implications are described focusing on four areas of theory and praxis: psychology, neuroscience, and social sciences; sexuality studies; philosophy and ethics; and, the law.

Got jealousy? Get joy! – through empathic compersion! What is compersion? What contexts promote or hinder its occurrence? Can we “learn” compersion, or at least invite more of it into our lives? Is compersion the “opposite” of jealousy as it is usually believed? Can learning about compersion have a wide social impact and play a role in dismantling mononormativity? This book addresses these questions and many more. The empirical data upon which this book is based draws from the author’s original qualitative study (see published dissertation here) with 17 consensually nonmonogamous (CNM) individuals who have experienced compersion, along with other relevant published literature. This book is the first to present a comprehensive theoretical model of compersion, first identifying its core components (empathic joy; gratitude for benefits derived from a partner’s other relationship(s); and compersion as dynamic, fluid, and on a spectrum), and then combining them with the six main factors that promote or hinder compersion at individual, relational, and social levels. The individual level includes two factors: ideological commitment to CNM values and self-security; the relational level includes three factors: relational security, connectedness, and trust; integration of partner’s other relationship(s); and positive perception of partner’s other relationship(s); and the social level includes one factor: community belonging. Each one of the aforementioned themes are thoroughly explained and illustrated by original stories and quotes from the author’s research participants, giving the book a personal tone. Another novel contribution of this book is its proposal that compersion needs to be redefined for uses in both CNM relationships and other relational contexts. To this end, two novel definitions for future use or inclusion in main English dictionaries are provided. Thus, while the content of this book is mostly targeted toward readers interested in CNM, this book will also be relevant to, and inclusive of, monogamous people interested in learning more about how compersion may apply to them. Lastly, the book argues that understanding compersion is an important step toward dismantling mononormativity by challenging the assumption that jealousy is the only valid response to extradyadic intimacy. This point has important social justice ramifications, since research shows that CNM individuals tend to be victims of stigmatization and discrimination in social settings based on the widespread cultural belief that CNM is somehow “inferior” (socially, morally, spiritually, etc.) to monogamy. Those implications are described focusing on four areas of theory and praxis: psychology, neuroscience, and social sciences; sexuality studies; philosophy and ethics; and, the law.

As polyamory continues to make its way into the mainstream, more and more people are exploring consensual non-monogamy in the hope of experiencing more love, connection, sex, freedom, and support. While for many, the move expands personal horizons, for others, the transition can be challenging, leaving them blindsided and overwhelmed. Beyond the initial transition to non-monogamy, many struggle with the root issues beneath the symptoms of broken agreements, communication challenges, increased fighting, and persistent jealousy. Polyamorous psychotherapist Jessica Fern and restorative justice facilitator David Cooley share the insights they have gained through thousands of hours working with clients in consensually non-monogamous relationships. Using a grounded theory approach, they explore the underlying challenges that non-monogamous individuals and partners can experience after their first steps, offering practical strategies for transforming them into opportunities for new levels of clarity and intimacy.

As polyamory continues to make its way into the mainstream, more and more people are exploring consensual nonmonogamy in the hope of experiencing more love, connection, sex, freedom, and support. While for many, the move expands personal horizons, for others, the transition can be challenging, leaving them blindsided and overwhelmed. Beyond the initial transition to nonmonogamy, many struggle with the root issues beneath the symptoms of broken agreements, communication challenges, increased fighting, and persistent jealousy. Polyamorous psychotherapist Jessica Fern shares the insights she has gained through thousands of hours working with clients in consensually nonmonogamous relationships. Using a grounded theory approach, she explores the underlying challenges that nonmonogamous individuals and partners can experience after their first steps, offering practical strategies for transforming them into opportunities for new levels of clarity and intimacy. Polywise provides both the conceptual framework to better understand the shift from monogamy to nonmonogamy and the tools to navigate the next steps, allowing you to not just survive in open relationships, but thrive in them.

How can we create secure, happy attachments with multiple partners? This set of two books and a fold-out poster is a practical toolkit for building secure attachments in polyamory. In Polysecure, psychotherapist Jessica Fern extends attachment theory into the realm of consensual nonmonogamy. The accompanying folded poster displays her HEARTS framework—six specific strategies to help you move toward secure attachments in multiple relationships—and The Polysecure Workbook provides practical prompts to explore your own attachment history and reasons for practicing nonmonogamy. The Complete Polysecure Bundle provides the tools needed to navigate multiple loving relationships and to build personal security.

As featured in Polysecure: Attachment, Trauma and Consensual Nonmonogamy, HEARTS is a practical framework to cultivating secure attachment in multiple relationships. Attachment theory has entered the mainstream, but most discussions focus on how we can cultivate secure monogamous relationships. What if, like many people, you’ re striving for secure, happy attachments with more than one partner? Polyamorous psychotherapist Jessica Fern breaks new ground by extending attachment theory into the realm of consensual nonmonogamy. The HEARTS framework sets out six specific strategies to help nonmonogamous people move toward secure attachments in their multiple relationships. This publication is a folded poster.

Jessica Fern extends attachment theory into the realm of consensual nonmonogamy. In Polysecure, she expands our understanding of how emotional experiences can influence our relationships and sets out six specific strategies to help you move toward secure attachments in your multiple relationships. The Polysecure Workbook builds on this basis with practical exercises to encourage contemplation of your attachment style and create more secure relationships. This is a bundle of two books: Polysecure and The Polysecure Workbook.

The Polysecure Workbook encourages examination of any attachment challenges you may have experienced in your opening up process and offers insights into how to build secure relationships. Through practical exercises, you will explore your own attachment history, examine your reasons for practicing nonmonogamy and the different styles of nonmonogamy that you relate to, and consider whether you rely on relationship structure for your attachment security. The Polysecure Workbook provides the tools needed to navigate the complexities of multiple loving relationships and to build personal security.

A practical guide to nurturing healthy, loving non-monogamous relationships using attachment theory. Attachment theory has entered the mainstream, but most discussions focus on how we can cultivate secure monogamous relationships. What if, like many people, you’re striving for secure, happy attachments with more than one partner? Polyamorous psychotherapist Jessica Fern breaks new ground by extending attachment theory into the realm of consensual non-monogamy. Using her nested model of attachment and trauma, she expands our understanding of how emotional experiences can influence our relationships. Then, she sets out six specific strategies to help you move toward secure attachments in your multiple relationships. Polysecure is both a trailblazing theoretical treatise and a practical guide. It provides non-monogamous people with a new set of tools to navigate the complexities of multiple loving relationships, and offers radical new concepts that are sure to influence the conversation about attachment theory.